Another One Gone

Len, the girls, and I drove Daniel to the Josephinum last week.  The house is emptying little by little.  Sigh.

Some images of the latest departure:

Daniel decluttered and organized his room, resulting in so much spread out STUFF that he slept on the couch for several nights.  :-)

On his second to last morning at home, Marianna and Rebecca were inspired to make him a special breakfast.  Fortunately he's such a solid sleeper they were able to putter around the kitchen without disturbing him.

Highlights:  The mini vase of crape myrtle and mint, the home-sewn napkin, and the drop scones.  I coached the girls to use a bag of scone mix (homemade), increasing the milk just a little bit (to 3/4 cup) so that the dough was too sticky to knead and cut.  They dropped it with a scoop, sprinkled with coarse sugar and baked.  That small variation saved a lot of time!

Dan had no special dinner request, but included pumpkin cheesecake in his list of possible goodbye desserts.

Pontifical College Josephinum:  a view from the entrance

 Moving In

 Dan's room is small but private.  He shares a half bath with an adjoining room; showers are down the hall.

 The view from his window

After three college drop offs, this is now an official tradition:  shopping for items left at home or that we didn't know were needed.  This has included door organizers and hardware (Lauren), pillows (David), and goggles (Daniel).  It's always something!

 

In the past Len and I have kept the college send-off to ourselves, but this time Marianna and Rebecca joined us.  We stayed overnight because the Josephinum shared morning mass and brunch with families on Sunday.  Here we are the night before at a local Italian restaurant.

 Pizza with pesto, shrimp, goat cheese, and roasted tomatoes--everyone wanted a taste!

As always, leaving a child at college is bittersweet.  We're grateful when the school is a good fit (so far we're three times fortunate), and glad to watch each one growing and maturing.  But we've missed them all.

Even though we know as parents that our children are never truly ours, it's easy to forget while they're under our roof.  We can't help but remember now . . .

So Not a Surprise

In a recent issue of Life Site News, Angela O'Brien reported on the results of a study conducted by Dr. Ross O'Hara at Darthmouth College in New Hampshire.  Guess what?  "Exposure to sexual content in popular movies predicts sexual behavior in adolescence."  Really?

The study sounds interesting.  O'Hara and his colleagues coded 684 top-grossing movies (1998-2004) for seconds of sexual content. 

"The researchers then recruited 1,228 participants, from 12 to 14 years old. Each participant reported which movies they had seen, from collections of fifty randomly selected movies.

Six years later, the participants were surveyed to find out how old they were when they became sexually active, how many partners they had, and how risky their sexual behavior might have been. According to O’Hara, those who had been exposed to high levels of sexual content on film had more sexual partners, indulged in riskier sexual behaviour, and became sexually active earlier."

While the study did not prove causality, I'm convinced of the connection.  The researchers mentioned that the movies appeared to change "sensation seeking" and "also speculate[d] that adolescents learn specific behaviors from the sexual messages in movies."  Read the whole article here.

Regarding media content (especially movies and books), Len and I have always been among the strictest parents we know.*  It hasn't always been easy. 

Sometimes it's hard to decide how "bad" a film needs to be for us to say no to it, and sometimes it's hard to stick to our guns against a child's opposition.  And when they say everyone else is allowed to read or watch [insert title here], I believe them.  I know we're on the edge of the bell curve.  Maybe my kids have had to miss some fun, and maybe we censored some media that didn't deserve it, but overall I'm glad we did.

As researcher Ross O'Hara stated, "This study, and its confluence with other work, strongly suggests that parents need to restrict their children from seeing sexual content in movies at young ages."

Amen!

* It's been a blessing that Len and I are on pretty much the same page regarding appropriate media.  Supporting each other and presenting a united front has been invaluable.

Tangled

(image found here)

Did you ever notice that the 4th Joyful Mystery (the Presentation of Jesus in the Temple) takes place at the same time as the 1st of the Seven Sorrows of Mary (Simeon's Prophecy)?  Joy and wonder as Simeon recognizes the promised Messiah and blesses the family are intermingled with pain as he continues, "and a sword will pierce through your own soul also . . ."

This is parenthood, isn't it? 

I wouldn't trade it for the world, though.

No, I'm not feeling gloomy--just marveling at the complicated nature of my vocation.

Yes

Just this weekend I read some of Ann's posts at Holy Experience about saying, "Yes," to God and to her family.

So when Rebecca asked me if she could paint this afternoon, I said yes. Even though it was (I thought) just half an hour until dinner. Even though we had the four hour orchestra expedition coming up.

I was even prompt and cheerful with water changes and paint refills.
I'm not looking for kudos or congratulations; this is how I should behave. It's just that, often, I don't.

So much of parenting, of love, is about being mindful.

Say It Isn't So

My BABY has a loose tooth! Noooooooo!

Giving Thanks

Although I don't set the best example, I want my children to acquire the habit of sending prompt, thoughtful thank you notes. We've started our post-Christmas attempts.

From the beginning (almost two decades now!) I've used a standard format for these letters.

Read all about it at Phases of Womanhood.

Beginning Again

Before signing in to update my blog, I clicked on the daily quote link (in the sidebar). Here's today's wisdom from St. Francis de Sales:

"Be patient with everyone, but above all with yourself."

Wow!

As I listened for hope and help this weekend, God was speaking.

My sister suggested some verses from Romans 15: "We who are strong in faith should be patient with the scruples of those whose faith is weak; we must not be selfish. Each should please his neighbor so as to do him good by building up his spirit."

A few verses later I found: "May God, the source of all patience and encouragement, enable you to live in perfect harmony with one another according to the spirit of Christ Jesus, so that with one heart and voice you may glorify God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ."

Then there were the readings at mass yesterday.

From Saint James (3:16-18) came a reminder of gentleness, among other things: "Where jealousy and selfish ambition exist, there is disorder and every foul practice. But the wisdom from above is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, without inconstancy or insincerity. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace for those who cultivate peace."

In the gospel (Mark 9:30-37), Jesus speaks about receiving a child in his name and also about being the servant of all, both reminders to me of my need to embrace service rather than expecting to be served/have it all my way.

AND (it just keeps on going...) there was How to Get the Most Out of the Eucharist by Michael Dubruiel. Joe was serving, so we arrived at church 30 minutes early and I started reading. I didn't get far, but early on Mr. Dubruiel suggests that one way to participate more fully in the sacrifice of the mass is to, "...give up the desire to be in charge and adopt an attitude of service."

So I'm once again inspired (unlike you, kind reader, who are probably bored senseless by now) to start again, ready to serve with patience and gentleness. Feel free to pray for me. Thanks!

Who's the Grownup Anyway?

I can be so selfish. That's no surprise, but sometimes it's more obvious than others.

By yesterday afternoon I was downright MEAN, using that angry, irritated (and loud) tone of voice--you know the one--and saying things to my children that they'd get in trouble for. Here's one gem I remember offering, while "helping" a child with school: "Don't you even THINK?!" Wonderful, supportive parenting, that.

This sounds like an issue with patience (and the lack thereof) or anger, but I think selfishness is at the root here. If things aren't going my way, or I'm behind schedule, or I'm getting interrupted or inconvenienced, I can start losing control of myself. I want life to go my way.

Being tired doesn't help my attempts at self-control, either, but lack of sleep can be caused by selfishness, too. I rarely have trouble sleeping (Just ask my kids about couch time!), so exhaustion is usually caused by staying up too late, almost always for no good reason. It's a bad habit that fosters other bad behaviors.

I'm not blaming yesterday on sleepiness. I think it was much more about not dealing with the imperfection of real life, of wanting everything and everyone to dance to my beat. It's not as if the kids were behaving outrageously and I finally snapped--more like I wanted everyone to fit in with my (probably not even realistic) plan for the moment, and then reacting like a spoiled brat when they didn't.

God has a lot of work left to do with me, if I'll let Him!

Does anyone have a good quote (from a saint or the Bible) to inspire me with? Something about selfishness or selflessness or struggling with charity, maybe. I'll bet St. Francis de Sales has a jewel or two...

Parenting Advice from St. Francis de Sales

"In our duties we must work calmly and with composure, performing them as promptly as possible and as well as we can."

Of course, St. Francis is writing to everyone, but this quote addresses many of the "needs improvement" areas of my parenting.

When I first read this, a column Elizabeth wrote this summer leaped to mind. She spoke of gentleness and what I call "interruptibility."

Yes, my children need to wait sometimes, but most often it's better for me to treat their voices as monastery bells, calling me immediately to duty (especially when I'm reading or clicking).

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever grow up! It seems I still have so much maturing to do. For right now my goals are

1. calmness/composure/gentleness/patience and
2. prompt/mindful/intentional parenting.

A tall enough order to keep me busy for a while, eh?

Explain This

To a four-year-old:

To get rid of bangs, you actually do NOT cut them. No, we haven't had a scissor incident, but it's taken many tries to convince Becca that bangs go away when you GROW THEM OUT. I'm just saying...

It's Okay to Be Sad

I practiced a good parenting strategy today and thought I'd share. (You don't read much about my bad moments--usually all there is to learn from them is that Mom needs more sleep and/or self-control!)

The four-year old was weeping loudly at the table because she wasn't sitting next to her chosen cousin. While I was still calm, I crouched down to Becca's level and told her, "It's okay to be sad and it's okay to cry, but you may not cry like this at the table. If you need to finish crying, you can go up to your room or to the family room. Do you need to cry some more?" Either yes or no would have been fine. She decided to stay with us.

I've used this technique with all my children, mostly when they were young. I think it's important to validate the emotion (sad, angry, disappointed, etc.) but not allow disruptive behavior (crying, screaming) in a family group setting (mealtime, prayer time). I will repeat that it's okay to feel [whatever], because I truly believe it. Emotions are what they are, and being little can be tough.

I try to deal with the acting out right away while I can respond not just calmly, but kindly. It's no fun to feel bad.

If she can't regain control, I'll send or lead (depending on age) the child to her chosen "other spot", and maybe even stay for a few minutes. She comes back after calming down. Sometimes he'll try to come back before he's really ready, and we'll need to repeat the process, but this strategy has worked well for our family.

Luck of the Draw

I don't believe fair treatment is the same as equality. And even if I did, trying to treat six children exactly the same would drive me nuts! For example, we try to give welcome/appropriate gifts for Christmas and birthdays, not to spend the same amount of money on each child.

We do, however, try to share/take turns/be fair. Children, especially, have a strong sense of justice. So sometimes when a resource is scarce, we introduce randomness to keep things even.

This happens most frequently when there's not enough left of something yummy: an extra Dove bar, three pieces of cheesecake (too small to cut further), or any last portion. Sometimes chance is used to dole out the fun (first turn or order of turns) or less-fun (an extra chore that doesn't belong to anyone).

Our favored method is drawing cards. We get a deck (Bonus: it doesn't need to be complete!) and everyone who is interested (or required, in the case of less-fun) draws a card. Before beginning, we reiterate the mantra, "Ace is high, joker means draw again."

That's it! No negotiating, decision making, or remembering who got it last time. It's such a relief to have a quick, final answer that everyone knows is truly impartial and FAIR.

This means there is usually no fussing, either. Sometimes a little one cries with disappointment, but it's short-lived, and in any case that can happen whenever a little doesn't get his or her way. At our house, the very youngest draw cards just to be part of the group, even when their results don't "count".

Dad

Happy belated Father's Day!

I started composing this post in my head yesterday, but didn't get a chance to write anything down. For one thing, Len (collaborating with David) bought the family a new computer (ahh, the speed...) then spent Saturday night setting it up and Sunday transferring info/data/files/whatever it was from the old to the new.

Anyway, Len and I have both been blessed with wonderful fathers.

Mine, for example is smart and willing to teach--sometimes more than we wanted, but that's another topic! ;-) He doesn't yell. He's handy at building, repairing, and tinkering. He's quiet about his solid faith, but it's there. There are so many characteristics that may not seem like much on their own, but fit together to make a fabulous dad: early riser, master packer, frugal AND generous (educating six children on a military salary), devoted husband (a good example), just, and helpful above and beyond any parental duty (helping his children with house projects, events, child care for trip-taking, etc.). Once this is posted, I'll remember a dozen more things I love about my dad, but you get the idea.

I don't make a habit of telling Dad how great he is, but I do remember one time. It was part of a toast during an anniversary celebration years ago, and it must have come from the Holy Spirit, because as I recall the thought hadn't even crossed my mind until just before I said it. What I had realized is that I share some habits and traits with my father, and that every trait of his that I recognize in myself is one that I admire.

I hope I can influence my children for good as much as he has.

Parenting With Positive Phrasing

I believe word choices matter, and I try to reflect that in my parenting. While directing a child, there is usually both a positive and negative way to say the same thing.

My earliest memory of choosing the positive phrase is calling out, "Walk!" to my little ones at the pool instead of, "Don't run!" Do you see? Same result, but one sounds better. ;-)

Goodness knows I still say no and I still lose my temper, but I hope that consciously choosing the gentler direction will have a cumulative, positive effect, or at least sound less like nagging.

Some other examples:
"Remember ______." instead of "Don't forget ______."
"Talk like a big girl." vs. "Don't talk like a baby."
"Please [do such & such]." vs. "Don't ______."

I'll bet you've got powerful phrases of your own--care to share?

Weekly Chores

Most of my recent posts seem to be about special events or other cheery, "yay me" topics. But yes, there is a real life and real work here too. A good Saturday morning is one that contains no outside activities so we can get a good start on the weekend chores. All the children except Rebecca have their duties. I have some chores of my own, the most important of which is keeping the children on track with theirs.

Yesterday was a good Saturday, and it looked like this:

Children: Ready bedrooms for vacuuming. Vacuum main level, vacuum upstairs. Take furniture and rugs out of kitchen and vacuum to ready for mopping (It's a big kitchen.). Empty all trash. Clean the guinea pig's cage. Wipe toilets (4) and clean soap dishes. Wash bathroom sinks and mirrors (3). Reorder kitchen after mopping. Sort and put away laundry. Clean litter box and move it to the basement for the cat with a broken fibula (poor Emma).

Mom: Mop kitchen. Hound Supervise children. Wash and dry laundry. Nag Encourage children. Help the little girls clean their room (includes pulling things from under beds and desks, looking in drawers, and getting rid of everything from paper scraps to rocks). Tidy my own room. (Not really--my room is always immaculate--I just wrote that to make you feel better--as if!)

Jobs still needing to be assigned: Vacuum stairs. Wash tub and showers. Dusting. Any takers?

There was a time when I did all our cleaning. The kitchen was kept clean, but there was NO dusting going on, and precious little vacuuming and mopping. I started training the children, and at first it seemed like more work than doing it myself. They did not vacuum as well as I do, but they were doing it more frequently, so I learned to count it as good.

As the years have passed the training is paying off. There is no way I could get all our current Saturday morning work done by myself. And the daily chores are helpful too, even when they're not done perfectly: taking out the compost, feeding the pets, setting the dinner table, emptying the dishwasher, sorting the clean laundry, and cleaning up after dinner (putting away food, clearing and wiping the table, vacuuming the kitchen, and washing the dishes).

Monitoring work, especially new tasks, is the key to getting it done right. I don't always follow through as much as I should, but the better I am at teaching, the more satisfactory the results.

There is also a "chore culture" here, if you will. Chores are part of the rhythm of our family's life. Everyone is expected to help, and knows it. It took a while to get here, but I like this place.