Healing

I don't consider myself especially articulate, and this analogy will only stretch so far, but here goes.

Last June, an intensely windy thunderstorm swept through our area, causing huge amounts of damage in just a few minutes.  We lost power for more than three stifling days, and our beloved sour cherry tree suffered a split down its main trunk.

 This tree and its harvest are family touchstones--dear to me.

There was no way to bandage or hold the trunk together.  Taking the advice of a tree expert client, Len roped together branches from opposite sides of the split to minimize the strain.

We waited and hoped. 

This spring I was thrilled to see blossoms and leaves on both sides of our tree!

 The split is still there.

 We will never climb this tree again.

 But it is alive and beautiful

 And fruitful. 

We are again anticipating the harvest.

I have a wonderful life, but have been through trials, too.  I have needed (and in most cases received) healing.  Haven't we all?

I'm reflecting on the idea that healing isn't necessarily about complete wholeness.  Our cherry tree has a split that will be there for the rest of its life.  It's scabby and a little scary to look at.  The tree can't be climbed again--that would be too much strain for it.

But it is alive.  It is healthy.  It is fruitful.

Our lives can be like that.  We may not be the same after a trial, but we can still be fruitful.  We can be happy.  We can live lives of joy and beauty and peace.

God can bring good out of evil if we let him.  I'm not saying God sends all our trials (don't get me started!)--we live in a fallen world full of people who have free will.  Our cherry tree isn't fruitful because it has undergone a trial.  The healing is bringing the harvest.

Joy of Skyping

Skype is software that enables audio and video calls on the internet. After hearing only positive word-of-mouth, we bought a webcam and downloaded Skype (for free!) when Joe's best friend moved to Singapore. The boys have had several conversations, but overall we don't Skype much.

Last night Lauren called to talk to Len and me*. The speaker phone was scratchy so we moved to our webcams, and immediately everything was radically different.

This was mostly a business meeting--the mission trip/social justice/art class she wants to take next semester, a mysterious VCU bill, the status of the 3rd car, etc. But now I could watch my girl twirl her hair and look at her tired eyes. I could see her soft smile, familiar expressions, and (I think) a necklace that used to be mine. She showed us some of the photos she's been developing in class.

It was a better meeting than usual, but by the time it was over I missed Lauren more, not less. I don't think I can articulate why; maybe it's due to the multi-sensory reminder of who I'm missing. A disembodied voice on the phone just isn't the same. So Skype for me is sweet tempered with an edge of bitterness--just like the very best chocolate.

*Yes, "me" my children, not "I" in this case! (They're used to MUCH grammar correction around here...)

Dragging Her Heels

I'm sure there's a lesson here somewhere.


After Joseph expressed interest, I registered the youngest three for our first season of homeschool soccer. We have many friends who participate, and the program is low-key and family friendly, meeting once a week for ten weeks, 1-3 p.m.

When I announced our sports plan, Marianna was not pleased, partly because she was afraid soccer would replace Irish dance. Her mood was easily improved. Unfortunately, tenacious Rebecca had picked up on the negative vibe. Over the past few weeks I've responded seemingly innumerable times to "Why?" or "I don't want to" or some variation thereof.

Today was the worst yet, with long bouts of weeping and screaming before lunch. I managed to calm the child, but then came the final straw...the shin guards. Apparently, they were, "ITCHY, ITCHY, ITCHY!" and brought on the kind of passion that looks like it could lead to vomitting. Yes, THAT intense about kicking a ball around for a few hours--good grief!

My one hope was that she'd be too embarrassed to create a similar scene in public, so on we went. Lo and behold, she was just fine. While not exactly perky, she was quiet and cooperative. By the end of the session, Becca was even smiling, and now she is totally on board.

So what's the lesson? While I don't create that level of drama, I DO resist doing what I ought, especially if it's something new or just a bit discomfiting. I kept wanting to tell Rebecca to just calm down and do what was required and open herself up to at least the POSSIBILITY of enjoying it. Wise words. Maybe I'll try them on myself sometime.

Food for the Journey

I'm mapping out the next school year and am alternately inspired and terrified. I want to cover an ambitious amount of material--ALL of American history, the experiments in the science book, and participate in a writing co-op, among other things.

Believe me, after all these years, I understand the danger of biting off more than I can chew. But I also feel that we've accomplished less than we could have the past few years because I didn't plan well enough. I did a good job of mapping out the overall weeks, but slacked when it came to transferring those goals onto daily plans.

I also know that it is possible to plan too much, but that has not been a danger for me in many years. We've been flying by the seat of our pants for awhile; in fact much of our forward motion has been fueled by good habits (thank goodness!).

Even when I wasn't ready in the morning (both with a plan and dressed and ready to go), my homeschoolers would get started. They'd do their independent work, then I'd scramble to catch up with the subjects that required preparations, personal time with me, or working as a group. That way got us through, but with more stress than necessary, and with less "fun stuff".

So here I am trying to set down pages per day without panicking. The potential benefits are so worth it: by writing down in advance which experiments we're doing when, for example, I'll have a jump on actually having the materials ready in advance. Exciting concept!

What does any of this have to do with this post's title? At mass today I was reminded that this is a journey and that I'm not on my own.

The first reading (1 Kings 19:4-8) tells how an angel brought Elijah food from heaven when he was starving in the desert. "...then strengthened by that food, he walked forty days and forty nights to the mountain of God, Horeb."

In the gospel (John 6:41-51) Jesus explains, "I am the living bread that came down from heaven; whoever eats this bread will live forever; and the bread that I will give is my flesh for the life of the world."

And here's the morning prayer from Magnificat, "God of mercy and compassion, you sent food to strengthen the prophet Elijah for the journey to the place where he would meet you. You sent bread to strengthen your people in the desert for the journey to the promised land. You send us in Christ the bread of life to strengthen us for our journey on the road of discipleship. Sustain us in courage, faith, and hope, that we may one day see you face to face, through the same Christ our Lord."

Sorry to be so long-winded, but this gives me hope. My real goal is heaven, not just a "good" school year, and God will give me what I need to get there. Maybe we need to fit daily mass back in again...

Why Do I Blame Myself?

Why is it, "I look bad in this outfit," instead of, "This outfit looks bad on me?" See the difference?

Even though overall I have a healthy self-image, that bad attitude can raise its head anytime. (Can you tell I've been trying to buy a swimsuit?)

It's just not rational! And as I complained to my eldest, she pointed out that even young, beautiful women (like herself and her friends) are rarely 100% comfortable with how they look. Why are we like this?

I wonder (about myself, at least), whether this dissatisfaction is about setting too high a standard or not loving myself enough or PRIDE. How important should appearance be, anyway?

Our Almost Empty Nest

Good grief--there were only three people at the dinner table tonight--me, my husband, and the four-year old. Where was everybody?

Lauren: visiting her boyfriend.
David: at work.
Daniel: at camp.
Joseph: visiting his cousin.
Marianna: having dinner at a friend's house.

And of course I had thawed out enough chicken to feed the entire family! I'm thinking the leftovers will go into chef's salad tomorrow...

It's almost eerie to have so few children around. I'm not looking forward to life without them.

Dad

Happy belated Father's Day!

I started composing this post in my head yesterday, but didn't get a chance to write anything down. For one thing, Len (collaborating with David) bought the family a new computer (ahh, the speed...) then spent Saturday night setting it up and Sunday transferring info/data/files/whatever it was from the old to the new.

Anyway, Len and I have both been blessed with wonderful fathers.

Mine, for example is smart and willing to teach--sometimes more than we wanted, but that's another topic! ;-) He doesn't yell. He's handy at building, repairing, and tinkering. He's quiet about his solid faith, but it's there. There are so many characteristics that may not seem like much on their own, but fit together to make a fabulous dad: early riser, master packer, frugal AND generous (educating six children on a military salary), devoted husband (a good example), just, and helpful above and beyond any parental duty (helping his children with house projects, events, child care for trip-taking, etc.). Once this is posted, I'll remember a dozen more things I love about my dad, but you get the idea.

I don't make a habit of telling Dad how great he is, but I do remember one time. It was part of a toast during an anniversary celebration years ago, and it must have come from the Holy Spirit, because as I recall the thought hadn't even crossed my mind until just before I said it. What I had realized is that I share some habits and traits with my father, and that every trait of his that I recognize in myself is one that I admire.

I hope I can influence my children for good as much as he has.

Perspective

"They grow up so fast."

As a young mother I heard this over and over again--from friends, family, even strangers. I never doubted the concept (just looking at my toddler as each new baby was born was proof enough), but it's time, of course, that really brings the lesson home.

Having spread-out children (14 years from oldest to youngest) also helps make the truth obvious. Watching the toddler take her first steps while the teen is driving a car can seem surreal if one takes the time to think about it. But I don't usually pause to reflect. I tend to get caught up in the logistics, the busy-ness of day-to-day.

When Lauren went off to college, I posted a little tribute here. Gathering the photos was fun--seeeing my fuzzy headed baby transforming into a beautiful young woman. Lauren's back for the summer, and, of course, our relationship is different (I'd like to think better).

So I've been learning anew this year that time with my children is fleeting, but only recently articulated it. In fact, I wrote it down almost without thinking in Thursday's "Small Successes", but have been pondering ever since: one reason I made the effort to cook with David late that night was that I thought to myself that in the blink of an eye he'll be gone, too, and I'll regret then not spending a little more time now.

I want this perspective to inform the parenting I've got left, want to make sure I spend time on what really matters. My youngest is 4, so there are many years ahead, but the time does pass quickly and it's easy to get distracted. And of course my bigger kids will be gone much sooner than Becca.

Epilogue: Rebecca was playing mouse the other day, and wanted a tail. I found the perfect ball of creamy, fuzzy, thick yarn to cut and tape to her shorts. She thought it was great, but I remembered something: that yarn came from a Josephina loom of Lauren's that I had never used with her. I figure there was at least a two year window of interest, but somehow I didn't make the effort to set up the project with her.

Part of my seeing what I want to be involves understanding where I've fallen short. I'm not beating myself up over the loom, but the memory is part of this wake-up call or refinement of perspective. It's never to late to reasses and reprioritize, right?

Sounds Like He's Seen My Desk

It is far better to do a few things well than undertake many good works and leave them half-done.

- St. Francis de Sales

What I Learned in 2008

Although I'm not an articulate, deep thinker, I do have a few reflections on lessons learned this past year:

1. I have no reason to complain--ever! I've seen families suffering real hardships and losses this year. My life has its challenges, but they are on a MUCH smaller scale.
2. I need to go to bed by 10:00 p.m. I am a morning person and I get up before 6. When I stay up late, I'm not catching up on the to-do list, let alone getting ahead. I'm aimlessly wasting time and sucking energy out of TOMORROW. Fatigue decreases my patience, piety, and productivity.
3. My husband is the biggest blessing God has granted me. Our marriage has always been a good one, but every year is better than the last. It's not that we've settled into a rut, either--we just continue to grow in our care and appreciation of each other. Len is a strong and godly leader, helps with "my share" of family duties, and loves me deeply.
4. My children need gentleness, attention, and physical affection, even if they act like they don't. I've spent so many years lavishing attention (nursing, diapering, cuddling) on the youngest baby or toddler that I lost the habit of being affectionate with the rest of my crew. Consciously looking (away from the computer or book), hugging and kissing, and speaking with gentleness (see #2) will help my children feel my love for them.
5. A menu plan is a huge time saver. I'm back on a cycle (3 weeks this time), and it's making the whole process easier--planning, shopping, and cooking.
6. I CAN parent a young adult. Well, duh--this was bound to happen eventually, but I didn't know how I would "be" at it. This is the time for relaxing my parental grip while still being a support. There's a lot I can't (and shouldn't) control about her life; the relief for me is that this doesn't make me crazy. (It probably helps that Lauren is a wonderful young woman; she's training me well?)
7. I CAN'T fix everything. We've had four young women stay with us in the past 16 months. We've made a positive difference in their lives, but not as much as I would like. This is not an easy lesson.
8. God is Good. He's showered me with blessings--husband, family, activities, routines, mass, etc. I need to work on a habit of gratitude.

Reading back, I see that most of these lessons are not new, but the time spent reflecting is a good way for me to prepare for 2009. May your new year be blessed.

Morning Musing: The Near Occasion of Sin

Dusty is a good dog--cheerful, friendly, (mostly) obedient. A very good dog.But when the trash can holds the carcass of last night's roast chicken, I don't leave it in the kitchen. To the mudroom it goes, behind the gate. Dusty's a good dog, but hey, there's only so much that can be expected of him in the face of such a temptation.

This morning, when I saw what I done almost automatically, "near occasion of sin" jumped into my head.

There are many versions, but my favorite act of contrition is an old one:

"Oh my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee, and I detest all my sins, because of Thy just punishments, but most of all, because they offend Thee, my God, who art all-good and deserving of all my love. I firmly resolve, with the help of Thy grace, to sin no more and to avoid the near occasions of sin."

When something or someone or someplace makes it easier for us to sin, maybe even likely that we will sin, we need to stay away from it/him. We've all got our weaknesses--certain books or movies, bad friends, lack of sleep (Moms, you know what I mean!)--things that make it hard to be good.

We need to put those things in the mudroom behind the gate. We can't stay in the kitchen with them, smelling that chicken, seeing that so-easy-to-tip-over trash can, and then expect ourselves to not take off the lid and make a big mess of things. The Church in her wisdom reminds us to stay away from temptation.


Another thought I had is that we need to also make sure we're not someone else's near occasion of sin. Things that we say or do, even if they're not objectively wrong (but especially if they are), can make it hard for others to be good. Sometimes we may need to put ourselves or our behaviors behind a gate to protect others, especially those we love.

I'm thinking of siblings pestering each other, friends sharing bad language or bad images or gossip, parents nagging until anger or resentment builds, or (this is the one that jumped out at me today) women dressing provocatively. That could be a zillion posts or books by itself (and is, all over the web), but the idea of women dressing modestly to protect the virtue of men is an interesting one.

Have a great day! Share with me YOUR morning musings! :-)

Election 2008 Meditations

This morning I started my rosary on the walk to the polls. Tuesday is the sorrowful mysteries, providing food for thought on God's mercy and love and just how far He'll go for us. The line that stood out the most to me, though, was from the Lord's Prayer, "Deliver us from evil."

I suppose that sounds dramatic, but making it easier to abort babies only hurts women and society, and of course the children. We don't allow people to choose to steal or stalk or abuse. Why should we allow them to choose to kill children? It's not about the woman choosing what to do with her body--she's deciding what to do with someone else's body. That baby is not her mother.

Today is the Memorial of St. Charles Borromeo, schooled in both civil and canon law. The meditation in Magnificat included these words from Deuteronomy 4:5-8,

"Therefore, I teach you the statues and decrees as the Lord, my God, has
commanded me, that you may observe them in the land you are entering to
occupy. Observe them carefully, for thus will you give evidence of your
wisdom and intelligence to the nations, who will hear of all these statutes and
say, 'This great nation is truly a wise and intelligent people.' For what
great nation is there that has gods so close to it as the Lord, our God, is to
us whenever we call upon him? Or what great nation has statutes and
decrees that are as just as this whole law which I am setting before you
today?"

I'm praying our nation's laws will come closer to God's law in all areas of truth and justice.

One last quote! Deuteronomy contains statutes for Israel as well as history relating to the tribes' entrance into the Promised Land. I can't read quotes like those above without being reminded of Chapter 30, verse 19,

"I call heaven and earth today to witness against you: I have set before
you life and death, the blessing and the curse. Choose life,then,
that you and your descendants may live."

Go Figure

So my cell phone battery was losing steam. It was holding a charge for just a day (vs. 3). Then the battery was low partway through the day, and at last it died just one hour off the charger. One would think it was time for a new battery, but one would be mistaken.

As Len suspected, when he got to the store he was faced with a choice:

• order a battery (not in stock!) for $60-70, OR
• get a new phone for $50 (then send in for the $50 rebate).

I have a new phone. It's not especially fancy, but I still need to learn its ways. So far I've made several calls (the memory was transferred, thank goodness), but I think I've only successfully answered once. I seem to keep hitting the wrong buttons. So if I hang up on you in the near future, please don't take it personally...

The Cost of Bottled Water

I've always been skeptical of the bottled water phenomena.

I don't understand paying a premium for the privilege of drinking from a disposable bottle (almost) the same thing that comes from my tap. We drink tap water and fill reusable bottles when we're going out. Once in a great while we'll use "store bought" for large, off-site events.

Frequently, this "special" water is just filtered tap water! The latest twist is in this story, which I read in the Washington Post (and which was later aired on NPR). It's an interesting read, enumerating the energy costs associated with shipping water around the world, often from countries that would KILL to have water as clean and cheap as what comes from our taps. And don't get me started about all those bottles... How many are really recycled? And wouldn't it be better to not have them in the first place than to recycle them, anyway?

This may sound preachy, but that's not what I'm going for. Our family composts and recycles, but as Americans, we do use more than our worldly share of resources. I just think it's an interesting story. Check out the part about glasses chosen by a sommelier!

Why Is It So Hard to Cook Dinner for Five People?

I'll tell you why--because I'm used to cooking for 8-10!

We had long term houseguest(s) this school year, so I became accustomed to cooking for a crowd. Some adjustment was required when we were back down to our family of eight, but I'm really off my stride with some of these summer days. When one or two are gone, I notice and miss them.

When more are missing (like the three teens for the next several days), I have to force myself to make anything "real". Somehow it doesn't seem worth the trouble for such a "small" group! Five used to be my whole family (long ago in a galaxy far, far away...), so it's amusing how much these meals throw me for a loop.

Tonight's dinner (with Len working late) will be leftovers and/or quesadillas (a popular way to use up the leftovers!). Tomorrow I'll try to be back on track.

Are your plans affected by a few missing children? How about when Dad is not home for dinner?

The Road to Emmaus (Luke 24:13-35)

This is one of my favorite gospel readings. Every year I am moved almost to tears by this story of two disciples walking to Emmaus on Easter morning. They meet Jesus on the way but don't recognize him. He asks what they are talking about, and they tell him of the crucifixion and the report of the women at the tomb that Christ is alive. Then comes the best part:

And he said to them, "Oh, how foolish you are! How slow of heart to believe all that the prophets spoke! Was it not necessary that the Christ should suffer these things and enter into his glory?" Then beginning with Moses and all the prophets, he interpreted to them what referred to him in all the Scriptures. As they approached the village to which they were going, he gave the impression that he was going on farther. But they urged him, "Stay with us, for it is nearly evening and the day is almost over." So he went in to stay with them. And it happened that, while he was with them at table, he took bread, said the blessing, broke it, and gave it to them.
With that their eyes were opened and they recognized him, but he vanished from their sight. Then they said to each other, "Were not our hearts burning within us while he spoke to us on the way and opened the Scriptures to us?" (25-32)

God has given me faith, but I would love to have more wisdom and understanding. How I long to walk with Jesus and have him explain the Scriptures to me as he did to those disciples. I wonder if heaven will be like that.

Another beautiful part of this gospel is how the eyes of the disciples were opened at the Lord's table. They immediately got up and returned to Jerusalem and the apostles: "Then they recounted what had happened on the road and how they had come to know him in the breaking of bread." (35) The Eucharist is our opportunity to be with Jesus now. Do I appreciate this amazing gift?

To Blog or Not to Blog?

(originally posted 12/5 on "Come to the Table")

For months and months I wanted to have some blogs. I wanted a chance to reflect on my daily life (instead of just reacting to it), and to save (and savor) some memories. I wanted to share recipes and photos.

I finally started blogging, and it really is enjoyable. But life seems to be getting away from me lately. There's the 11 p.m. grocery run, the "Why am I here in the pantry?" moment, the unlaundered school uniform, and the unorganized homeschooling. Oh yes, we're eating every day and wearing mostly clean clothes, but it seems like we're not often getting beyond those basics.

I hope to have the chance to blog some more, but right now it's hard to organize a coherent thought AND get a turn on the computer (the stars must be aligned just right...), so we'll see what happens.