It's Okay to Be Sad

I practiced a good parenting strategy today and thought I'd share. (You don't read much about my bad moments--usually all there is to learn from them is that Mom needs more sleep and/or self-control!)

The four-year old was weeping loudly at the table because she wasn't sitting next to her chosen cousin. While I was still calm, I crouched down to Becca's level and told her, "It's okay to be sad and it's okay to cry, but you may not cry like this at the table. If you need to finish crying, you can go up to your room or to the family room. Do you need to cry some more?" Either yes or no would have been fine. She decided to stay with us.

I've used this technique with all my children, mostly when they were young. I think it's important to validate the emotion (sad, angry, disappointed, etc.) but not allow disruptive behavior (crying, screaming) in a family group setting (mealtime, prayer time). I will repeat that it's okay to feel [whatever], because I truly believe it. Emotions are what they are, and being little can be tough.

I try to deal with the acting out right away while I can respond not just calmly, but kindly. It's no fun to feel bad.

If she can't regain control, I'll send or lead (depending on age) the child to her chosen "other spot", and maybe even stay for a few minutes. She comes back after calming down. Sometimes he'll try to come back before he's really ready, and we'll need to repeat the process, but this strategy has worked well for our family.

Basil Beauties

Every year, we grow basil near the front door. It's a nice, sunny spot, and I have an easier time remembering to water plants that I see every day. Once they're tall enough, the plants provide leaves for pasta dishes, tomato-mozzarella salad, and pesto sauce. Yum!

We usually start our plants from seed, but they've been sprouting and growing poorly lately. Last year we even had to take a "do-over" with seedlings from my mother-in-law the gardening whiz. I gave my sister the leftovers, and hers which were kept in a pot with my mil's dirt prospered while ours struggled after being transplanted.

That was the final straw/diagnosis, so this spring Len overhauled our little patch of dirt, adding manure and peat moss. As you can see, we still didn't get many sprouts (I haven't taken any out), but they look much better than some years. I did move a few around for a more even distribution. Marianna's grandparents gave her a garden angel for Christmas. Since her flower patch is thickly planted with tall specimens, she has graciously set the angel to look over the herbs.

Hopefully in a month I'll have a picture of the angel with much taller basil in front of her! To her left the chives and spearmint are visible. We've also got parsley, thyme, and peppermint. Most are perennials; we only plant the basil and parsley each year.

Bathing Beauties

Becca and her friend just came in after pool time under the maple tree. I wish I had pictures to share, but two cameras are out of the house and I can't find Joe's.

These two had so much fun splashing and sliding. Each took turns lying on her back, head hanging over the slide, while the other performed a baptism. They didn't just put their clothes in the sun to dry--they arranged them to be worn (complete with sunglasses at the top), as if on giant paper dolls. The big "water fight" with scoops was exciting enough to cause too many slips and falls, so pool time is over. And just in time, really: Becca's friend has a return deadline that's closing in fast.

About a Boy

From 2002, here is the Netflix teaser:

Will Lightman (Hugh Grant) is a rich, hip, irresponsible Londoner who, in search of available women, invents an imaginary son and starts attending single-parent meetings -- confident in both parties' inability to make a commitment. But when Will meets Marcus, the troubled 12-year-old son of Fiona (Toni Collette), a quirky and unexpected friendship develops as both Will and Marcus help each other grow up.

It's rated PG-13 for strong language and "some thematic elements". Will's pursuit of women is talked about, sometimes crudely, but there are no graphic visuals.

Lauren and I watched this the other night, and I enjoyed it more than I expected to. Will starts out unapologetically shallow and amusingly blunt, and nothing improves for any of the characters overnight. There is drama as well as comedy.

I wouldn't necessarily call it a chick-flick, but I'm also not sure if Len would have enjoyed it. Rather than find out, I found it easier to let him get some work done and use the movie time to hang out with my girl.

My rating: 4 out of 5 stars

Green Eggs and Ham

David's birthday breakfast request: Yes, my boy is 17, but he does enjoy a bit of whimsy! Without David, life would be much less ... er ... interesting.

If you ever feel like eating Suessically, I have a few tips for you.

I starting painting the ham with food coloring, but it was too dark. Then I painted it with dye mixed with water, but that was too slow. Then I dipped each slice in dye and water, and it was just right! (If you have them, wear gloves or you may have green fingers for a long time. In fact, I got dirtiest while opening the bottle of green.)To get just the right shade, I colored the eggs with some blue dye before adding more green drops. Have fun!

Small Successes

"It’s important for moms to recognize that all the small successes in our days can add up to one big triumph. So on Thursday of each week, we do exactly that."

I hope no one thinks this is an exercise in back-patting. It's more about encouraging myself (and maybe others) to see that there are bright spots among the failures (speaking harshly to a child, staying up late enough to affect the next day). It's easy for some of us to feel gloomy, especially about our own worth/behavior, so "small successes" is about making myself look on the bright side.

I think that over time this can lead to a real change in how I view myself. I am reminded of how Len would not let me speak disparagingly about my figure, especially once Lauren was born. The practice of not saying bad things about my body eventually changed my attitude as well.

Enough nattering; here are three goodies for the week:

1. I met with some other moms and began planning an IEW writing co-op for next year. I've used the program before (it's excellent!), but never finished it. Accountability is probably the biggest benefit of a co-op for me. It feels good to take even a small planning step in June.
2. After too much time off, I've begun going to daily mass again. I made 3 of 5 days so far (mostly alone, but with one volunteer one day), and will be heading out in a few minutes for today's.
3. I made two spontaneous pool visits this week, including a last-minute decision to drive an hour to my sister's house to drop off Joe and stay for a pool & pizza party. Two pool days may not sound like much, but I tend to focus on my own tasks. Spontaneity is not one of my gifts, so deciding to "go for it" without much planning is good practice for me. Today Joe has a play date, and we're inviting three friends (one for each of mine) to go to the pool with us.

What are your small successes this week? Look for them--they're there somewhere! Find more words of encouragement here.

Simple Pleasures

If I go far enough, one of my dog walking routes takes me past a public trash can. So before the halfway point, I can dispose of Dusty's business instead of carrying it all the way home.

That trash can is a welcome perk of the park-walk. What can I say--I'm easily amused!

Our Almost Empty Nest

Good grief--there were only three people at the dinner table tonight--me, my husband, and the four-year old. Where was everybody?

Lauren: visiting her boyfriend.
David: at work.
Daniel: at camp.
Joseph: visiting his cousin.
Marianna: having dinner at a friend's house.

And of course I had thawed out enough chicken to feed the entire family! I'm thinking the leftovers will go into chef's salad tomorrow...

It's almost eerie to have so few children around. I'm not looking forward to life without them.

Luck of the Draw

I don't believe fair treatment is the same as equality. And even if I did, trying to treat six children exactly the same would drive me nuts! For example, we try to give welcome/appropriate gifts for Christmas and birthdays, not to spend the same amount of money on each child.

We do, however, try to share/take turns/be fair. Children, especially, have a strong sense of justice. So sometimes when a resource is scarce, we introduce randomness to keep things even.

This happens most frequently when there's not enough left of something yummy: an extra Dove bar, three pieces of cheesecake (too small to cut further), or any last portion. Sometimes chance is used to dole out the fun (first turn or order of turns) or less-fun (an extra chore that doesn't belong to anyone).

Our favored method is drawing cards. We get a deck (Bonus: it doesn't need to be complete!) and everyone who is interested (or required, in the case of less-fun) draws a card. Before beginning, we reiterate the mantra, "Ace is high, joker means draw again."

That's it! No negotiating, decision making, or remembering who got it last time. It's such a relief to have a quick, final answer that everyone knows is truly impartial and FAIR.

This means there is usually no fussing, either. Sometimes a little one cries with disappointment, but it's short-lived, and in any case that can happen whenever a little doesn't get his or her way. At our house, the very youngest draw cards just to be part of the group, even when their results don't "count".

Dad

Happy belated Father's Day!

I started composing this post in my head yesterday, but didn't get a chance to write anything down. For one thing, Len (collaborating with David) bought the family a new computer (ahh, the speed...) then spent Saturday night setting it up and Sunday transferring info/data/files/whatever it was from the old to the new.

Anyway, Len and I have both been blessed with wonderful fathers.

Mine, for example is smart and willing to teach--sometimes more than we wanted, but that's another topic! ;-) He doesn't yell. He's handy at building, repairing, and tinkering. He's quiet about his solid faith, but it's there. There are so many characteristics that may not seem like much on their own, but fit together to make a fabulous dad: early riser, master packer, frugal AND generous (educating six children on a military salary), devoted husband (a good example), just, and helpful above and beyond any parental duty (helping his children with house projects, events, child care for trip-taking, etc.). Once this is posted, I'll remember a dozen more things I love about my dad, but you get the idea.

I don't make a habit of telling Dad how great he is, but I do remember one time. It was part of a toast during an anniversary celebration years ago, and it must have come from the Holy Spirit, because as I recall the thought hadn't even crossed my mind until just before I said it. What I had realized is that I share some habits and traits with my father, and that every trait of his that I recognize in myself is one that I admire.

I hope I can influence my children for good as much as he has.

Small Successes

"It’s important for moms to recognize that all the small successes in our days can add up to one big triumph. So on Thursday of each week, we do exactly that."

Find more inspiration and encouragement here.

1. Last night I finally dealt with the remains of our trips (Hershey Park and NY) by sorting and distributing a week's worth of laundry, including sheets and towels. I also emptied and put away the suitcases that the girls and I had used. Things don't usually pile up so high--it's good to see some floor (and chair and bed) again!
2. Len and I dealt with a significant discipline (of a child) issue this week. We were thoughtful and not angry, and even had some real dialogue (vs. the typical parental monologue) with the perpetrator. Only time will tell if we helped affect a change in said child's heart and behavior (Oh, that pesky yet essential free will!), but for now I'm taking comfort in our united approach and in knowing we carefully did the best we could.
3. While walking with one of my sisters last weekend, I was reminded of what "brisk" looks and feels like. Since coming home I've tried to pick up my pace.

Sucker Punched

I just found out about another marriage ending in divorce. I didn't even know this one was in trouble. Many years, several children--it's so sad! My marriage is wonderful, praise God, but I know too many that are full of pain and anger. Please pray for couples in difficulty. Thank you.